You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Randomize
