you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
