I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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