It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Randomize
