Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
