There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
