Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
