My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Randomize
