i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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