you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
