I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
