I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
