I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
