My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
