you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I would fuck him just for his dog
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
