I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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