i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
