Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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