Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
