dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
do nipples grow back?
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