get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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