a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
