onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
