I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
