I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
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