I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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