Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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