He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
