I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
