I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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