Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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