he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
