3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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