Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
