dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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