Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
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