So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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