May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
