Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
