Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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