She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
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