can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
