Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Just invented taco cereal.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
