Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
