____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
why is half of my head shaved?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
