when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
