True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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