Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
