Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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