Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Just pee around me
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Randomize
