We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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