My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
