Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
